This is the (perfect) mess I am

I am trying to make sense to everything that is happening in my life right now.
It feels my ego is being shattered layer by layer.
I KNOW deep down inside this is a good thing. It NEEDS to happen in order for me to propel myself to the next level.
But it’s SO hard.

I can’t even explain it.
I don’t even feel like myself anymore. Or … maybe I am finally becoming myself? I think the last one. But I am not quite there yet, and I am just floating around in a place where I have never been before. (I’m in the void Brigitte 😉 ) My ego sure as hell isn’t liking ANY bit of this.

Today I was watching (yet ANOTHER) Twin Flame video, trying to make sense of it all.
My mind just doesn’t GET it. One minute I am in this amazing relationship. EVERYTHING about him and I together felt right. I was on top of the world. I never in my life felt SO connected and SO in love. And I just KNOW he felt the same way. And the next minute it’s just GONE.

THIS is the video I was watching.
It’s about the 5D reason for the separation and why he ran away.
It was REALLY insightful.

Everyone you meet in your life is mirroring your beliefs and projections of you and the other person. People can only react to what you are sending out.
But with twin flames that is even stronger, because you basically have the same soul split in two. You are a perfect mirror for each other.
And the goal of a twin flame relationship is unconditional love.
Well, I think that’s basically the WHOLE goal in life, but being in a relationship like this is kind of a Masterclass.

So the message of the video was this (A 4 sentence summary of a one hour video)
“The Divine Masculine gave you a GIFT by running away because you were not your authentic self.
You basically tried to show him how amazing you were and you weren’t really truthful to yourself AND therefore not to him. NOT to put all the “blame” on the divine feminine, because he also wasn’t being HIS authentic self and loving himself fully.”

AND …. we ALL do this. We all put on masks to not show people who we really are because we are scared of rejection.
And that’s EXACTLY why I am sharing this.
I do it in business too. ALL the time.

It looks like I am open and honest and being authentic is one of my biggest values. But AM I always being authentic? NO.
And because a twin flame relationship can only exist from a place of true self-love, he JUST couldn’t be with me.
Rejection was inevitable because the foundation of the relationship wasn’t stable enough yet.
And no, in a “normal” relationship this really doesn’t make ANY sense, but twin flame relationship apparently have a WHOLE different set of “rules.”

Of course, he didn’t do this consciously. It’s ALL an energetic thing. It was not his REASON for leaving me. I think he REALLY believed and felt that he made the right decision, staying with his family.
You can compare it to wanting to do something REALLY bad, like starting a business. And you DO really want to do it. It’s your BIGGEST desire, and everything about it feels right. But then there is also that DEEP fear within you. Because following your dreams will trigger ALL your fears and ALL your insecurities. You just don’t know where it will lead you or if you will EVER succeed.
And then you get a REALLY good job offer from your former employer. And you take it because it feels safe and familiar. And it feels SO good. You DO still love your co-workers, and the job still has some perspectives.
And it was HARD creating a business. It asked for EVERYTHING you had, and now you are in your safe space again. There is a relief. There is this sense of security and familiarity.
You feel you have done the right thing because now you have a steady income again and you can take better care of your family. And they are relieved too because they really like it that you are being a steady provider for them. It also keeps them in their comfort zone.
So, for a short time, there is this honeymoon period where you feel relief and like a weight has lifted off your shoulders, and you fully support your decision, and you are trying really hard to make it work.
But the Soul desire to have the business isn’t going away. In fact, the pull becomes even bigger. And before you know it, you think: “What have I done? Why am I even doing this? I KNEW this isn’t what I wanted. Why did I go back?” But now it’s even harder because you STILL have to face all your fears and you STILL have to disappoint or even hurt people, and you have to start your business all over again. Well, I figure that’s kind of the space where he is at, but then the business is me.

I think you get the picture. We ALL do this.
We all run away from everything, all the time.
I am, apparently, mostly running away from myself. (But then again, aren’t we ALL?)

So first I felt SO much resistance to her message.
Because I DO share a LOT of stuff. I am being open a LOT of the time.
Even with him, I thought I was being honest, and I shared my soul and my feelings.

But if I have to be totally honest, I wasn’t myself 100%.

I tried to create this image of me being some kind of a supergirl and a master creator. And yes, of course, I AM, but there are also a LOT of other things I am, and I tend to sweep these things under the rug. Try to create around them. Try to not really show them in the hope people won’t notice.
I tried to paint this pretty picture of myself in order for him to think I was the BEST person in the world for him.
It probably only triggered fear inside of him that he wasn’t good enough or able to take care of me the way he wants too or couldn’t keep up.
I worked REALLY hard to get his love and approval. I JUST wanted him to love me and be with me, that was basically the whole “goal.”
And that is NOT 100% authentic.
That has NOTHING to do with unconditional love.

And I do it with you too.
“Look at me, being all perfect, buy my program, I will teach you to do the same.” Can’t really make money with the marketing message that you are a big mess, right? Haha.
But I am sharing it anyway, so I will have to think about how to handle that later.

And yes, I am not being inauthentic on purpose. It’s JUST my ego holding on to stuff and JUST wanting validation.
And with business, maybe you can make that work. I see a LOT of people doing it, with the pretty adds and pictures and the big marketing stories.
And when the camera’s go out, they are smoking crack or something haha.
Most people don’t even see it.
EVERYONE wants the fairytale and buys into that.

But with your mirror self, with the other half of your Soul, there is NO escaping.
It’s funny because I think that is actually how life works. EVERY time you think you have life all figured out, life smacks you in the face. Wake up time. Guess again. You know NOTHING yet.

This experience is making me lose ALL control.
My ego isn’t into it.
My Soul LOVES it haha.
My mind is pretty confused.
There is NOTHING to hang on to anymore.

For example yesterday:
I had a moment of TRUE enlightenment during my afternoon walk. Something I never experienced before. I really WAS one with everything.
It was like I could look straight through the matrix of it all.
I touched the trees, and everything was beautiful and radiant and connected.
And in the second half of my walk, I almost thought I was getting psychotic or something.
I was suddenly doubting myself SO much, wondering if I am making this whole thing up. I REALLY questioned my mental sanity.
I couldn’t think my way out of it. It was all just SO confusing and my brain just disconnected or something. I had to give it my ALL to ground myself again.

And for the last week almost ALL my days are like that: Half of the day I am OPEN, and ALL my energy is flowing, and my chakras are SO open. I feel everything and my intuition has never been stronger.
And that maybe sounds amazing, and on a level it IS, but it’s the most hardest thing EVER to focus on my business. Or even focus on having a decent conversation with someone.
I think I haven’t opened my emails for a week.
I was recording a visualization yesterday, and I HAD to keep my eyes open because I just couldn’t focus on getting the job done.
I have written a sales page this week, and I can’t even put myself to launch the damn thing because it just feels fake and inauthentic. I have to rewrite the whole thing. But we DO need the money. Luckily I have the best team and people around me, and they are patiently waiting for their money until I kind of get my act together and move through this.
And I know the money will come again. It always does. AND (I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or a bad thing????)I can’t even stress about it. It’s like nothing even matters anymore.

Because the other part of the day I am just a BIG emotional mess.
Then I am crying and just mad at the whole thing.
I miss him SO SO SO much. It drives me CRAZY. Not being with him is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I did some pretty hard stuff!
And I feel powerless that I can’t even DO anything about it, besides this stupid inner work.
I don’t even recognize myself. I usually am pretty quick to move on, and with this, moving on just doesn’t seem possible.
My Soul KEEPS steering me back to him and to this journey.
It’s the WEIRDEST thing I have ever experienced, and I can’t make sense of any of it.
And I don’t know where I am going and how long it will take me and I don’t have a map.

And then, the biggest challenge EVER is that this journey is ALL about self-love.
And I always was in love with “the image” of myself.
Well, it’s safe to say, that’s ALL gone now. Out of the window.
Now I have to fall in love with this big mess haha.

And this is a start.
Just writing about this.
Just giving this part of me permission to just BE there.
My ego wants me to write something now that it will all be ok and that I will be back in my power soon haha.
But honestly?
I can’t even say. I have NO clue what is going to happen. Because everything I held on to, is just not THERE anymore.
I always teach my clients when it comes to creation, that there is always ONE next logical step. You can’t look ahead. “Life happens when you are busy making plans” right?
So that’s ALL I can do now: set one foot in front of the other and just trust.

I am glad that I wrote this blog. At least I did SOMETHING today. Well, I also TRIED to do 2 Q&A Calls. But one of them wasn’t recorded and the other I forgot to schedule, so there wasn’t anyone on the call. So I have to do them both again tomorrow haha.
And in the meantime, it’s almost 3.30 AM, and I really need to get some sleep.
Sleeping and eating: other stuff that is HARD to do these days.

So …. the moral of the story?
I am no longer going to pretend that I am some kind of superwomen.
Yes, I AM a powerful creator. Yes, of COURSE, I know about reality creation.
Yes, of course, I will find a way to make this ALL work again, although right now I have NO clue HOW.
I also don’t believe anymore that, one day I will have it all “figured out.” Everything is just always in creation and always shifting.
And I am NOT a balanced person, more a manicly depressed person most of the time 😉
I am not only love and light.
I am chaotic, messy and emotional.
I put off everything until the last minute. EVEN making money.
I seem pretty sure of myself, and my self-esteem appears to be high, but that’s not how I FEEL a lot of the times.
I want it ALL, and I will put everything on the line to get it.
I am a pitbull when I want something, and it can drive people crazy.
I am impatient, and if things don’t move quickly enough, I get really frustrated.
I have ADD and that either creates super focus, or I am just not getting anything done at ALL.
I WANT a deep connection with God, but the amount of awareness and energy that that connection creates FREAKS me out and then I self medicate with cigarettes to becoming a little bit more sain again so I can actually DO something and not sit at a park bench all day long in amazement of the wonder that is life.
I WANT deep connections with people and then I energetically push them away by overgiving, proving myself or putting on a mask. I try really hard to get people to love me.
I write 1000 blogs about my same flaws, never really changing them.

And that’s NOT even the whole list, AND I don’t know if ANY of that IS ever going to change.
AND … I don’t even care right now.
What I DO care about is just loving myself JUST the way I am.
And start seeing that I am ALREADY good enough.

And YOU are already good enough too.
You have been designed perfectly to do all you are meant to be doing in life.
You don’t NEED to change a single thing about yourself in order to fulfill your Souls Purpose OR be with your Soul person.
And neither do I.

Pjoe, ok, so that’s out.

Love you! JUST the way you are.

PS: who wants to be “normal” anyway, right?

PS 2: So, if you still want to learn ANYTHING from me after this blog, I DO have a free training planned next week. I really have NO clue yet what to share, because I have some re-aligning to do about that, but these are the links to sign up:

You can sign up for the English training HERE (Wednesday, February 20th 8 PM Amsterdam time CET)

You can sign up to attend this training in Dutch HERE. (Tuesday, February 19th 8 PM Amsterdam time CET)

PS 2: In the meantime, have you already gone through THE FREE Ultimate Manifesting program? You can get access HERE.

Love, Maartje

2019-02-17T13:56:41+00:00February 15th, 2019|Self Love, Twin Soul|

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