I am getting a LOT of messages and emails with the question of how I am doing. So I thought: time to write an update.
So, for the most part, I am REALLY doing ok.
I even had some amazing moments this week.
I’ve had heartbreak in the past, and then fears or insecurities consumed me. This feels different. It’s not about THAT.
It doesn’t really trigger anything inside me of “I am not worthy” or “I am not lovable.”
I guess I already healed those things.
I did become aware of a couple of other blocks.
I knew these blocks were there, but for the most part, I thought they were just there with the business.
But as I shared in a blog recently: the way you do one thing, is the way you do everything. So I guess it’s not that strange these blocks are being triggered.
The first belief is: If people see who I really am, they are going to leave me.
That is obviously what I manifested here because I really opened up to him. I held NOTHING back. And then he left me.
The second belief is that I am too much. It triggered the fear that I was too much and he just couldn’t handle it.
With every email I sent or personal thing I shared, I thought: well, this is it, now I shared too much, and now he is running away.
So those are two beliefs I have been working on, and this is a chance to heal them at an even deeper level.
Normally I just tell myself a different story, and that is that. But I feel like words aren’t really cutting it. I really LOVED the energy work I have been doing lately. It shifts SO much more.
That is why I recorded a healing/visualization to heal blocks. I am going to do this one myself a couple of times the coming days, and I am also going to share it with you.
You can listen to it HERE.
You can listen to this one for free, but I am also going to do an Energetic Shift & Alignment program where I am going to share even more of these visualizations. I think they are REALLY powerful.
I am going to share all the details of the program later.
So from day to day, and even from hour to hour some of the days, I am shifting between: “I am ok and ready to move on” to “There is STILL something there that I can’t let go of.”
I decided that I don’t have to decide right now whether to move on or stay in this thing. I can just see what I feel my Soul guides me to do.
Sometimes I think of the conversations we had about the life we wanted to create. He seemed so INTO it. We were at exactly the same page.
I told him several times that he was “the one” for me. I felt it in EVERYTHING.
I know he felt it too.
If I think about that, I am not ready to let that go.
I spoke to a mutual friend, and he said they seemed to be doing ok. He seemed ok, and she seemed to really try to make it work. They were spending time together.
I can see that he could be the kind of person to push the feelings he had for me aside and flip the switch. Just because I know how important his family is for him.
And those are the moments I feel I have to move on.
And then I also know that I can just manifest that there is someone else for me. And maybe even a bigger love. But I am not quite there yet. And I am totally fine with that for now. Perhaps later today or tomorrow or maybe I need a couple of weeks. I’m ok with that.
Today we planned an activity together before he broke up with me. Of course, that wasn’t going to happen anymore, so I just went without him. But it was SO hard. I didn’t expect it to be SO hard. My body literally reacted by getting SUPER noxious. EVERYTHING inside of me resisted that reality, where he was not just there WITH me.
Something felt SO off.
And then there suddenly was that BIG hole inside me. I haven’t really felt that this week.
I know I have to fill that up with (self) love. Especially when it isn’t going to happen between him and me anymore.
My head has a BIG judgment around me holding on.
It’s saying: “You deserve better Maartje. He is with his family now. Leave it alone. This is never going to be anything. He made a decision.”
And I DO accept his decision it’s in the sense that I haven’t reached out to him to ask where he is at. It doesn’t even matter. Because it wouldn’t matter what answer he would give me, because for me it’s still all about how I deal with it myself.
I am not going to ASK him to come back to me. If he makes that decision, he has to make it on his own.
I am still just working on myself. Creating some more space. Just figuring out what I can create in this situation. What this all asks of me.
But this is what I DO feel:
I always wondered about Soulmates. Somehow I always felt that there was someone who would be perfect for me.
And I think we can have multiple Soulmates and Bob definitely is my Soulmate too, but this feels different.
About a year and a half ago (Around the time I met this man) my sense of my Soulmate (Of the energy of it) became bigger.
It wasn’t that I was “looking” for it, it was just a feeling or a sense.
Sometimes I felt his energy really strong. It was like I was being “prepared” for something or for the meeting.
But I didn’t know then it was him, that’s the funny thing.
I always felt this little hole, and that hole became bigger. It wasn’t in the way that you sometimes hear it: that I wasn’t “complete” or that I wasn’t happy. It also didn’t hurt or anything like that. It was just a sense of something “more.” A part of me that isn’t there, but if it were, my life would be even MORE amazing. But not from a place of neediness, but to CREATE more and BE more.
I hadn’t experienced that hole when I was with him. I didn’t even think about it anymore.
I think about it NOW because that hole suddenly became SO big today.
It still doesn’t hurt, but it feels strange and like something is just not right.
And I know this whole Soulmate thing is about getting in alignment with your OWN soul. But it’s also about growing together and helping each other to grow.
I feel we are still connected.
He is in my awareness 24/7.
What I do notice is that I can love him and be with him, even though we are not physically together and that is really great to know and feel.
I feel we are still communicating on a Soul level.
So I am STILL figuring out what this all means. I just see what my Soul guides me to do. I am not dependent on him coming back or not. But if he would come back right now, I would welcome him with open arms. But I think he is not able to do that right now. I think, if it happens, he needs a little bit more time. And maybe I do too.
Right now, seeing him physically and NOT being able to hug and kiss him and know that we would be together forever would be TOO hard.
I doubt that we can ever be together without me having these feelings. Maybe in a couple of months or maybe even years, but I can’t see that happening anytime soon. That would require a freaking miracle.
This is what I DO know: If he feels the same way and also experiences this hole, it’s going to be REALLY hard to move on from this. For the both of us.
If he has indeed just flipped the switch and is now truly committed to his girlfriend again, then I trust that I will feel that because we are so connected and I will find a way to deal with it. I know I have the tools to do so. But right now, I am not there yet.
I thought: If I knew this beforehand, would I then NOT let it get this far? Would I NOT let myself get in this deep?
But you know what. Every time we were just drawn together. It’s like it was just MEANT to happen. It also all went by SO fast.
And yes, I am having a couple of difficult times, BUT I also grew from it as a person and a spiritual being. Because I connected with him so deeply and my heart was SO open, I was able to connect with my clients on a MUCH deeper level and do some really deep visualizations.
I can remember that I sent him an app about 10 days ago. I shared about an AMAZING day I had. He said: “Get used to it. All your days are going to be like that from now on.”
I guess I have to make sure of that on my own, for now. And I WILL.
Ok, that ending is a little bit sad 😉
But yes, letting this go (letting HIM go) is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
And sometimes it’s also ok to just admit that.
PS: HERE is the link again to the healing visualization.
Take some time to listen to it in the coming days. You can do it multiple times for every block you experience.